Image: Shomosuddin/Polyam/Kotaku (Getty Images)
Polium One is the answer to a question that no one has ever asked and never will. It is the “next generation console for web3 gaming”. That is to say, a render on a website for a fictional machine that I believe will absolutely never be made. I dare to prove them wrong.
“Web 3” or “Web 3.0” to be clear from the start is an umbrella term for a series of transparently obvious scams, from the confusion of the cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of the NFT. it doesn’t really mean Anything, and if you see someone using it, you know a lot to move on. So yes, Polium One!
Polium, a company of repute that was not even able to get Twitter handle With just an underscore after the brand name, has announced its intention to make the first console designed for … for … Thing. you know web 3 stuff. Um, like, pay! Yes, pay! You can pay for things on it using all kinds of crypto!
Seriously, that’s all. The hilarious website, which suggests a 2025 launch for Hoi Poloi, a 2024 launch for backers, has an FAQ that offers absolutely no answers, except what crap payment network it will accept. You, a nocoiner, might want to ask, “What games will be available at launch?” But all you’ll be told is, “We are currently in talks with a number of game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer would like to know that you can buy Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Im…
My favorite question from the FAQ is “What will be the specifications?” And not just for that insidious attempt not to split the baby. Here’s the answer, in full:
“Our goal is to build a high-performance console. The specs you see on site are not confirmed until we have a functional prototype.”
A high performer! Where do I pre-order?!
As for those “specs” on the site, they are—as far as I can tell—the following: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, ray tracing, up to 120 frames per second.
Let’s break it down. It’s 4K and 8K, without ray tracing and 120fps on the graphics card, and it claims…completely owned by Apple and TouchID unavailable to outsiders! Bold Claims!
It really doubles down on the TouchID announcement that it can’t be at allClaiming that this is also the technology that will prevent others from using your console to try and spend all your crypto on a monkey’s picture.
However, when you want to spend all your crypto on a monkey picture, the console has your back, which includes “multi-chain wallets for trading, swapping and bridging” as well as “buying and trading NFTs”. ” It happens. -Game Items.”
It gets even more fun when you check out Polium’s medium page, where we’re informed that, “the console will be community-built.” er, huh? Well, you see, “we’ll take pre-orders before the console’s hardware is fully built. This will help us collect customer feedback, views, and validation.”
let’s remember, none exists out of it. It’s a render next to a series of nonsensical claims, and the promise of a prototype “in a few months”. Nothing suggests a roadmap to victory like “something in”. But where suddenly there’s a pit of detail, he scoffs at its “clean dashboard”.
Look at that array of games! there is On the other handBored Apes Yacht Club “Metaverse” game that will never come out completely! there is Decentraland, pathetic virtual world of NFT! there is high Street, an in-alpha online shopping mall! And so on. Every “game” it imagines running on the system is a huge mess of ways to spend money, requiring you to “connect a wallet” before you can play. It’s not subtle. And certainly none of this has been confirmed for Polium, as Polium is currently entirely hypothetical.
And we haven’t even touched on how the GameCube is symbolized, swapping its negative-space G for P. Or how the controller is the Dollar Store Dual Sense with the trackpad slid in.
So how do you buy one? Because god knows you’re desperate for now, right? Well, as it happens, you’ll have to spend a bunch of crypto on the “pass”. A pass that will then allow you to exchange it for a console once the thing is never made.
But wait, there’s more! Buy a Polium Pass as soon as the company has the ability to bring it to life, and you’ll also get a “FREE” Playables PFP NFT! Which is to say, a JPEG of a “retro robot” and there’s a lot to like about this ambiguity, Polium “will provide more details later this year.” How will you pay for things? Using “play,” a token about which Polium “will provide more information later this year.”
It’s extraordinary how much information will be provided later this year, as if the announcement of its Fantasmic product Polium Underscore might have come as a surprise to Underscore.
Every section on the site is just so (un)funny. Like a “roadmap”. Oh my god, I love it so much.
Screenshots: Polium / Kotaku
Excellent. passed All my money
We’ll definitely keep you up-to-date with every step in Polium’s development from the time it starts taking people’s money to its final announcement that it’s not moving forward.
If this thing ever goes away, I will set fire to my own head.